This series will focus on three essentials for Marriage or Successful Long- term Partnerships. Sometimes the greatest truths are simple.
I was taught this truth years ago by one of my favourite lecturers whilst doing my Masters. It has been a gift to me, and many others which is why I would like to share it with you. In their simplest form relationships consist of 3 components, much like the 3 sides of a triangle
The base of any long term monogamous relationship is commitment. This is the glue that keeps the relationship together and is essential in that it differentiates the couple from any of their other relationships. This is always the base, the foundation on which a relationship is built.
As shown above, one side of the triangle represents passion. This is the whole area of sex and sexuality; it includes all aspects of physical attraction, ranging from simple touch (or attraction) to and including, the act of having sex.
The remaining side of the triangle represents intimacy. Intimacy involves all aspects of intellectual and emotional interaction. All communication, both verbal and non-verbal are included in this vital part of relationships. This series of blogs will look at details of each aspect of the relationship as well as the interaction between these three components.
As a Marriage therapist I believe that a successful marriage requires all three components to be present, and functioning well, if the relationship is to be enjoyable and successful. I believe I would be 100% truthful in saying that I have not seen a successful marriage where one of these components is missing. If one side is missing – the triangle collapses!
So which is more important, Passion or Intimacy? Depends who you ask!
Ask a woman and my guess is that most often the answer will be that intimacy (emotional and intellectual connection) comes first – it is essential, after intimacy there is a good chance passion will follow. A man (if he is honest) may well say that passion establishes a deep connection that makes intimacy a lot easier. Mmmm, herein lies a dilemma!!! After years of counselling couples facing this “chicken and egg” question it is clear to me that there is no simple solution. Someone has to give…
For decades there has been this “transactional sex” teaching going around that I find particularly offensive. (To men, but especially to women!) It goes something like this: Men- if you want sex then you need to plan for it. It starts early by giving your wife a cup of tea. This is followed by texts during the day and maybe a phone call. In the evening if you are really nice to her, you may well get lucky. That’s just manipulation! One thing women get (and it seems my wife has honed these skills) is motive. If we are doing something to get a result-let’s call it for what it is – it’s a transaction. Certainly my wife is not that cheap! So if that doesn’t work, what does?
Most couples come to a place of crisis. Looking at passion and intimacy from opposite sides and neither is happy. If this crisis is negotiated well, the end result can be an understanding that this is never an “either or” dilemma, but rather establishing a “both and” mentality. Let me try and explain. Mature relationships are by their very nature both generous and selfish at the same time. They are generous in that my partner needs become incredibly important to me, but selfish in that meeting their needs makes me feel good about myself. Intimacy and Passion are exactly the same. There is a “me” component and an “us” component to both of them. In a mature relationship these need not be separated. If couples come to a clear understanding that both Intimacy and Passion are equally important, then the chicken and egg question becomes irrelevant as both get their needs met. If both come to a place of generosity, where their needs, their partner’s needs and the needs of the relationship are important, then both partners needs for Intimacy and Passion will be met. The cycle of generosity is not driven by “my rights” but by the changing needs that present at any particular time. The overall result in a “both and” triangle where both partners needs are equally met.
The theory is fairly simple but what does that look like in practice. Intimacy and Passion needs are often not met at the same time; often they are not met on the same day. Mature relationships require that both spouses operate from a place of generosity. This needs each individual (at times when their specific desire or need is not being met) to self soothe their emotions (I don’t feel like it) and find the “best of them”. Choice needs to come from this place. If the “best of them” does not have the capacity for intimacy at that time they need to articulate that and own that, conversely if the “best of them” can meet their partners need then the invitation is to turn up to the best of their ability. Exactly the same would apply to passion. The low desire partner needs to self soothe and access the best of them and make a decision from this stance. The result would be either to respectfully decline or to turn up and be fully engaged in the sexual exchange. No mercy sex here!!!
Essentially as relationships mature each spouse realises that their needs are different, their priorities are different and the order of fulfilment is different. As this develops the low desire partner for intimacy realises that this is an essential ingredient in their relationship and they need to stretch and turn up in order to have a healthy relationship. This is not for selfish gain but rather because the “best of them” requires them to do so. Similarly the low desire partner for passion would need to follow the same course. As both partners do this each has their needs fulfilled and as a result the relationship thrives. Not either / or, always both / and!!!
After the GFC my business ran into significant trouble. Sales fell by 50% almost overnight and within a short period of time I was behind on my rent and struggling to make payments. My landlord was a hard man and one day confronted me in my office. It wasn’t pretty! He took absolute liberty in abusing my heritage, my culture, everything – he then landed the final blow, “you have no integrity!” I was enraged, incensed… how dare he! Actually, I very nearly knocked the living daylights out of him, but am pleased to say that I didn’t. Those words cut so deeply. For weeks I fumed. How dare he, how dare he attack my integrity! I was defensive, entrenched in my thinking that he was wrong! An idiot. Jung is right – to look at our own soul is so, so scary. Over a period of time, years actually, I have dared to look at my soul and it hurts me to say he was right, I don’t have integrity. My life was a lie. I hated what I was doing, I pretended to care about the industry, but it meant nothing to me. It was a good job to make money, and nothing more. I even began to realize that I didn’t even know what integrity was. I had seen it as an outward expression of a life lived by adhering to cultural do’s and don’ts instead of a deep congruence of a life lived from a central established value system. How could I have integrity? To know ourselves is not easy! This is an ongoing journey – a process of progressive unveiling. Each person will begin at a different place and be able to access differing degrees of their soul. The most important thing is to realize this is a process and to make a start! Unfortunately hardship is the usual starting place of this journey. I know it was for me and for many that I counsel. Every week I see people who are forced by hardship to look at themselves in the mirror and start their journey. Hardship without purpose or hope is just cruel, but if hardship can lead to a new life, a deeper life, a congruent life then it can be seen differently. Some people face unbearable tragedy and I in no way want to dishonor them by saying hardship is a good thing. Please hear me…there are however times when hardship can be an invitation to stop and reassess. For me my struggling business was crucial to me seeing that the life I was leading was incongruent to who I was. I was dedicating my life and my efforts to something I did not believe in and it was destroying my soul. It was the catalyst I needed to take a different journey, a journey that started with me looking in the mirror and seeing who I was. I was then able to make new choices, hard but better choices, to live a life more congruent to who I am. As I have done this I believe I have started myjourney towards integrity (still a long way to go)
Yesterday I met with a remarkable young man who came to say goodbye as he is leaving to study in Hong Kong for 6 months or more. Nothing too exceptional in that but let me tell you some of his story.
He was raised as an only child by his Mum from a very early age and attended a very sheltered Christian School where he flourished and excelled academically. As he approached the end of his school life he began to wrestle with the usual questions that confront us as we grow up:
What will I do with my life?
What do I believe? Is God real? Is Christianity the only way? Etc.
Have I got what it takes?
Will I get a girlfriend?
Where do I fit in this great big world?
At the end of year 12 this young man made a decision that I believe has shaped him and will shape him for the rest of his life. He undertook a journey, a “Right of Passage” to Africa for 6 months. He didn’t do the tourist thing, instead he immersed himself in the local culture, learned their language, taught in their schools, lived in their villages. He faced his fears (which were considerable), found his strength and pushed into the unknown. The unknown world, but just as importantly, those parts of himself that were unknown.
I remember very clearly saying goodbye to a frightened boy (and being very aware that his Mothers wrath would fall on me if anything happened to him) and being shocked (and delighted) when a man returned six months later. He looked different, he walked confidently, and he had an assurance that had never been there before. Something very fundamental had changed in that short six month period. He was a man and essentially knew that he has what it takes to face life and do life well.
Today he flies off to Hong Kong on another adventure. He is a young man who is living his life purposefully and is a great example to many of us.
Our modern culture makes it hard to grow up – to be a man or a woman, to answer those questions. We don’t have rights of passages built into our society that define the journey. Unfortunately this has been lost for a long, long time in Western society. There seems, however, to be a movement that recognises this necessity. This weekend one of my Sons starts an 800km pilgrimage through Spain. I know one of his questions that he is seeking to answer is, “What will I do with my life, what will my contribution will be?”
The reason for this blog is very simple. I want people to see that this is an essential part of our journey. Men and Women who do this well are fundamentally changed. They live life differently, they live life better! I salute your purposefulness and your bravery.
If any readers have taken their “Right of Passage” please email it to me and I will post it for the other readers.
Every time I hear about a man committing suicide it really upsets me. Yesterday was no different! A mate phoned to tell of one of his employees… That’s the third I have heard of in the last month or two.
Why is it so upsetting? Apart from the obvious loss of life and the knowledge that the person had to be tormented beyond their capacity, there is a much deeper sadness. This sadness is connected to a deep knowledge that, “it doesn’t have to be this way”…
Over the years I have had the opportunity to counsel many suicidal people, both men and women. Of these I have known at least 3 who have attempted suicide (fortunately none succeeded) and many others who have contemplated and planned. Almost without exception, actually can’t think of any, all are now engaged in life and have overcome or are overcoming the burdens and barriers that held them back. Some are thriving!
So what do we do? Most importantly –do something! If you are the one who is suicidal or if someone contacts you here are some options:
Contact someone. In Australia we have wonderful organisations such as Lifeline or Beyond Blue with 24 hour telephone counselling. (Lifeline – 13 11 14, Beyond Blue number is 1300 22 46 36)
Tell a friend or family member.
Contact your local GP.
If you have a counsellor contact them immediately.
Remember you always have the 000 option.
Don’t be alone!
Yesterday was a really hot day, 35 C. We’ve also had months of drought and everything was dry and dusty. Yet, at 5.00 pm yesterday the clouds rolled in and it started to rain. What a relief – this morning it is fresh and beautiful. Things change, circumstances change. If you are suicidal or know someone who is, our job is to get through the drought, through the darkness, past the depression, beyond the hopelessness or whatever is tormenting our souls. Please reach out – it is very difficult to do this alone. If you are the one who is suicidal please reach out, there is support available. If you have a friend in need I urge you to be patient and kind and ensure they get the help they need.
Remember, even after the worst droughts…the rain always comes!
