So which is more important, Passion or Intimacy? Depends who you ask!
Ask a woman and my guess is that most often the answer will be that intimacy (emotional and intellectual connection) comes first – it is essential, after intimacy there is a good chance passion will follow. A man (if he is honest) may well say that passion establishes a deep connection that makes intimacy a lot easier. Mmmm, herein lies a dilemma!!! After years of counselling couples facing this “chicken and egg” question it is clear to me that there is no simple solution. Someone has to give…
For decades there has been this “transactional sex” teaching going around that I find particularly offensive. (To men, but especially to women!) It goes something like this: Men- if you want sex then you need to plan for it. It starts early by giving your wife a cup of tea. This is followed by texts during the day and maybe a phone call. In the evening if you are really nice to her, you may well get lucky. That’s just manipulation! One thing women get (and it seems my wife has honed these skills) is motive. If we are doing something to get a result-let’s call it for what it is – it’s a transaction. Certainly my wife is not that cheap! So if that doesn’t work, what does?
Most couples come to a place of crisis. Looking at passion and intimacy from opposite sides and neither is happy. If this crisis is negotiated well, the end result can be an understanding that this is never an “either or” dilemma, but rather establishing a “both and” mentality. Let me try and explain. Mature relationships are by their very nature both generous and selfish at the same time. They are generous in that my partner needs become incredibly important to me, but selfish in that meeting their needs makes me feel good about myself. Intimacy and Passion are exactly the same. There is a “me” component and an “us” component to both of them. In a mature relationship these need not be separated. If couples come to a clear understanding that both Intimacy and Passion are equally important, then the chicken and egg question becomes irrelevant as both get their needs met. If both come to a place of generosity, where their needs, their partner’s needs and the needs of the relationship are important, then both partners needs for Intimacy and Passion will be met. The cycle of generosity is not driven by “my rights” but by the changing needs that present at any particular time. The overall result in a “both and” triangle where both partners needs are equally met.
The theory is fairly simple but what does that look like in practice. Intimacy and Passion needs are often not met at the same time; often they are not met on the same day. Mature relationships require that both spouses operate from a place of generosity. This needs each individual (at times when their specific desire or need is not being met) to self soothe their emotions (I don’t feel like it) and find the “best of them”. Choice needs to come from this place. If the “best of them” does not have the capacity for intimacy at that time they need to articulate that and own that, conversely if the “best of them” can meet their partners need then the invitation is to turn up to the best of their ability. Exactly the same would apply to passion. The low desire partner needs to self soothe and access the best of them and make a decision from this stance. The result would be either to respectfully decline or to turn up and be fully engaged in the sexual exchange. No mercy sex here!!!
Essentially as relationships mature each spouse realises that their needs are different, their priorities are different and the order of fulfilment is different. As this develops the low desire partner for intimacy realises that this is an essential ingredient in their relationship and they need to stretch and turn up in order to have a healthy relationship. This is not for selfish gain but rather because the “best of them” requires them to do so. Similarly the low desire partner for passion would need to follow the same course. As both partners do this each has their needs fulfilled and as a result the relationship thrives. Not either / or, always both / and!!!
Andy Pocock – Clinical Director